Love Self First: Self-Care To Self-Love Part II: The Practical Side Of Self-Love
“How many good days do we have to enjoy life?” That was the question a dear friend posed to me years ago. We both happen to share a love of tennis and this was one of the many conversations that spontaneously seeped into our cool down after a robust session of playing.
This is what he meant by the question. The average life expectancy for both of us-he, a white male; me a black female-is 75 years of age (National Vital Statistics). Of course, there are factors that influence that number, but for the sake of this example, since we both planned to live longer, we bumped up the life expectancy to 85 years or 30,940 days. From 85, we subtracted out the first 15 years of life to our clueless existence and the last five years to old age, leaving approximately 23,660 days or 65 years of good, usable life.
Then, hypothetically, we extrapolated out the number of days one could possibly be out of commission from the common cold, flu, other illnesses, caring for others, depression, assorted addictions, pessimistic outlooks, normalized anxiety, being incapacitated by fears, living in the past, being oblivious to needs, incapacitating daydreaming, worrying, stuck in traffic, stuck in life, procrastinating, waiting, waiting for others, working dead-end jobs, and being in unfulfilled relationships with self, spouses, kids, family, and friends. Well, you get the drift-major occurrences that take over life. Some we have control over; some we don’t, but relative to time, all influences the quality of the days we have to enjoy this thing called life.
By the time my friend and I subtracted out our societal obligations, the applicable list from above, and family, personal, necessary, and wasted time, we conservatively ended up with 8,270 good days in our entire lives; and the other 15,390 were designated to the other circumstances, situations, conditions, or causes that we may or may not have had control over.
Of course, the numbers will vary depending on life span and the time we become aware of this other way of perceiving self. However, what we do have control over in the approximate 30,940 days we will see of this life is the lens through which we view our lives. This was all the nerdy work of economists.
By now you may be wondering, “what did this breakdown have to do with the practical side of self-love?” What happened in this configuration of days, spoked to the ways, and to what degree I have loved myself. In short, how I perceived life was how I treated myself and others, and, whether favorably or unfavorably, what I allowed of others’ treatment of me. I could have chosen to be a victim of my own circumstances or that of others’ actions or I could have chosen to shed the rags of victimization, and fix what was not aligned in my true intentions and nature of living. I chose to shed. Ultimately, where all of this led to was exercising agency over the pursuit of my passions. I was clearing a way to preside over as many good days as I could get to cultivate the true passions of my life.
For the benefit of constructing a “good days” example for a multitude of people in different situations, an oversimplification of this process became a necessary tool for understanding the point. In this case, the point being, how one may consider experiencing the practical side of self-love from the remaining portion of the approximate 8,270 good days and 15,390 designated days one may have available to live an extraordinarily passionate life.
That is, provided the numbers aren’t shortened by fate or destiny, or natural or manmade occurrences. The truth is, we really don’t know how long we’ll live. The time to pursue our passions is now and it may be a little jarring for some to see life broken down into a series of interlocking formulas like this, but it serves as a sobering reminder of just how short life is. So, we better get busy loving, living, and pursuing our passions.
Using my own life as an example, I declared a solemn intention: I wanted to be as consciously aware as I could of allowing my self-love to be nurtured (not destroyed) by anyone or anything of significance in my life. Then, use that love to inform how I interact with self and others. It is a part of my journey of finding extraordinary passion. As lofty as that may have seemed, it was, nevertheless, a journey I gladly took on with the challenges, fears, inhibitions, and tasks of virtue that kept me on a path of optimism in the 8,270/15,390 days of life ratio, which could always be changed with the tweak of my attitude and approach.
It’s a given that all of our intentions, journeys and goals will be different, but the purpose of me writing and you choosing to read this blog was to discover and share a curiosity. I’m going to hang my interpretation of practical self-love out as just one example of self-love for anyone interested in digesting, scrutinizing, discussing, or applauding it as a plausible perspective for living and invite anyone who may want to share their own interpretations on practical ways to initiate self-love. But here is my version.
Upon reflection, I learned how I viewed the world started with my perception filter of self-love. (See Part 1 for an explanation.) It was from that point of discovery some time ago that I made a silent commitment to actively strive for self-love. Starting with my intention, I realized the experiences that went into my perception determined the potency or impotence of my self-love. What was to be gained and what was at risk was a tale of two selves-the self that gained more respect, worth, esteem, dignity, and confidence; and the self that lost a sense of decency, identity, integrity, and faith. Practically speaking, I saw my evolution of the two selves as a perpetual renovation cycle of acknowledgement, accountability, understanding and redemption that changed over time as I gained clarity and strength of character. I counted myself fortunate for having become more powerful in my convictions as my consciousness, life circumstances, experiences, and age have evolved. Although the work is an ongoing process, I find myself in solidarity with just as many other people who have gone through similar processes. Unfortunately, for some, the renovation cycle will change only minimally, too late, or not at all.
Honestly, I struggled for a while with understanding self-love from an intangible perspective. That’s why it has been a long quest to define it in more tangible ways. There have been times that I’ve been way off the mark, but I’ve also been dead on in figuring out some aspects of self-love. That was the acknowledgement piece to the renovation cycle. I took responsibility for messing up as well as getting it right. Good or bad, right or wrong, I owned the dynamics of the experiences I was responsible for creating in my interactions with others. That was the accountability side of the renovation cycle.
How do you know what it means to love yourself unless there is a definable way to measure it? Nothing is experienced in a vacuum. Nothing human is meant to exist unto itself. Every person needs some level of meaningful human connection or one will deteriorate mentally and emotionally. All of the people that one comes in contact with at any given time determines the totality of whom that person is at that given stage. It applies throughout life. That’s the understanding component of the renovation cycle. We are the sum total of the connections we make and the interactions we have. Be it positive or negative, in our heads or in real life, it behooves us to be cognizant of the mix of people and energy we allow in our lives and how we filter that energy.
Finally, unless one is damaged by blind selfishness, or is a narcissist, sociopath, or psychopath, most people can be primed for greater self-love. In brief, that’s the redemption part of the renovation cycle. Some parts of this journey will be difficult to face or we may pleasantly embrace some discoveries, but it’s the freedom of the outcome that counts.
Other factors rarely discussed but affect our capacity to love, self or others, are our neuro-developmental, personality, and behavioral profiles. Without going into a deep explanation of the significance it plays in our awareness of feelings, emotions and connections, know that these profiles along with environmental influences predispose us to varying levels of sensitivity that keep us opened or closed to deeper self-love and love of others. My suggestion to balancing out or enhancing those influences is to adopt a philosophical way of life I call conscientious living. With this philosophy, the starting point is with a willingness to want to do the right thing. Simply put, the more one freely gives genuine, non-transactional kindness and caring, the more one will ultimately gain in compassion and empathy to greater self-love.
That said, here are some other suggestions to practical applications of self-love.
Decide the level of commitment you want to devote to your path of growth and stick to it, even through difficult times. Will you be marginally, steadily, solidly, or intensely committed to the journey? I vacillated between a steady and solid commitment.
Identify a set of times that are best to nurture yourself. I identified my happy, happier, and happiest hours to do the self-love work. My happiest hours are between 4-6 am. My head is clear; I do my best thinking; I am at my most creative; and my home town is quiet. Well almost quiet.
Make sure your intentions, thoughts, words and actions are all aligned. An imbalance in these four areas will cause conflicting messages.
Create boundaries of respect. Be the architect of your standards. Act from a loving place even when the situation is difficult, and change course when you feel compromise is warranted.
Always have a number of confidants you can mutually trust that will be truthful with you and will not be afraid to hold you to the level of accountability, honesty and integrity that you planned for yourself. I have several people in my life who fill this role for me and I for them.
Also, develop a hierarchy of priorities-what, who, why, and how you will spend your time overall. Then prioritize it within each area and adjust where necessary. Self, work, family, and friends may be your top priorities. How your order them will depend on your stage of life and what your priorities are within each area.
There is something that you should look forward to doing every day. The key words are every day. I’m not referring to dinners, concerts, trips or big-ticket fun although that counts as well. Rather, I’m talking about something that is readily available to you with virtually no expense. Some things where you can say, "I had a good day," if asked. Whether it is talking to my mom, sons and friends, meeting with dear ones, taking a walk, meditating, exercising, playing tennis, reading, watching movies, gardening, dancing or singing, or working on my business, I always find joy from doing one or a combination of those things every day.
Develop a healthy mix of gatherings with friends and family, and alone time. One imports the other and promotes a real sense of belonging and freedom at the same time. Exchanges of laughter, love, stories, and celebration raise the level appreciation for connections. Alone time increases appreciation for silence and value of solitude for self.
Choose wisely! Spend time in nature-at beaches, in woodlands, up mountains, or by creek sides to experience joy. Be silly, play games, and joke to experience kidulting. Discover and engage your superpower to experience empowerment. Push the boundaries of audacity to experience excitement. Laugh a lot every day from different sources to experience happiness. Hug and touch often to experience feelings. It’s even better when it comes from someone of mutual adoration.
The poetic side of life is found in the landscape of nature; heard in the melody of song; seen in artistry from the hands and felt in the hearts of people. These are some of the readily accessible counters to the difficult times we experience in life. What are yours? Actively practicing self-love becomes one pathway to enriching our lives and igniting our passions in such a way that it minimizes the incompleteness of life and makes good on those 8,270/15,390 days of life ratio. "How many 'good" days will you have?"
This list was composed as a starting point for developing a practical guide to self-love. The subject matter of practical self-love is so vast that only a few basics could be covered here. More thorough discussions of the topics will follow with guest authorities in podcasts, video demonstrations, and social media presentations. Additionally, I will cover topics about self-love applications in fitness/exercise routines, nutrition, oral health, self-care rituals, stage of life, lifestyle, and philosophical life changes; and physical, emotional, mental, and financial health awareness.
Looking forward to many more interactions. As always, feel free to comment or contact me directly to about the contents of this blog.
Cheers to healing and happiness,
Dianne
